This summer has given The Lasso magical powers and now we can see into the future! Here are all the ways 2020 will get worse and the date each event will occur:

September 26

The baby giant panda that was born on August 21 turns evil and takes over the National Zoo and causes havoc. Desperate to get away from the panda, all the tigers run out of the premises of the zoo and turn the GW Parkway into their new habitat. The GW Parkway is closed to accommodate the tigers and DC traffic somehow got worse.

October 31

Skeletons and other Halloween decorations come alive.

November 3

Joe Biden is declared the winner of the 2020 Presidential Election but, during his acceptance speech, makes a Biden Gaffe and accidentally concedes, leading to 4 more years of a Trump presidency.

November 26

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving airs and Snoopy yet again loses his fight to a chair.

December 6

Desperate to cut costs due to lost fan revenue, Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, and the National Hockey League combined to create a new sport where players on ice skates and a rink use baseball bats to hit a football into a ten-foot high hoop. This created a mega-league with 123 teams. The New England Patriots somehow won the World Stanley Cup Bowl Championship and Boston fans somehow got more annoying. The Washington Capitals still lost in the first round.

December 31

Zombie apocalypse.