Lunar New Year is the best winter holiday

Unlike the other holidays, the Lunar New Year does not divide people based on their beliefs, but instead unites people across Asia regardless of nation or creed in celebration of our moon’s beauty. Indeed, the fact that the date is set to line up with orbital patterns instead of some arbitrary date in the Gregorian calendar emphasizes our connection and even dependence on the beauty of nature that surrounds us. Plus, in China, they give straight cash as a gift which is so much better than getting another ugly sweater you’ll never wear.

Snow is overrated

It’s literally just a mutation of water. Is it a solid? A Liquid? A mixture? Sure, it looks cool when it’s falling down for ten minutes, but wait two weeks and your white Christmas turns sludgy and brown as your socks get soggy. Honestly, I’d argue hail is superior. Not only is ice the proper crystalline form of water (snow vs. hail is like comparing graphite to diamond. Sure, they’re both solid forms of carbon, but which would you prefer on an engagement ring?), but a hailstorm also offers a greater visual spectacle with an exciting element of danger.

Santa Claus should be canceled

He’s a stalker with a savior complex. Sing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and analyze it like you have an 800 word essay on it due tomorrow. My favorite quotes include “you better watch out,” “you better not cry,” and “he sees you when you’re sleeping.” Convince me that a grown man climbing down your chimney to break into your home in the middle of the night to punish naughty children isn’t problematic. Sounds like the subject of a “Criminal Minds” episode profiling an organized serial killer to me. If he was really such a philanthropist, he would spread out his gifts throughout the year instead of the one time in the year where everyone already feels guilty. He also let all the reindeer bully Rudolph just because Rudolph has a shiny nose, and we do not stan condoned animal abuse.

December birthdays are entitled

You don’t deserve both a Christmas and a birthday present. Pick one. 

“Die Hard” is not a Christmas movie

According to “Far Out” magazine, the Bruce Willis action blockbuster is a holiday flick simply because it contains “family values.” But the same is true in almost any movie you can think of, from “Hereditary” to “The Kissing Booth.” By that logic, “Oedipus Rex” is a Christmas book. 

New Year’s is better than Christmas

Christmas is all stuffy with boring traditions and repetitive music, whereas New Year’s Eve is a breath of fresh air with the building anticipation of the final countdown to midnight. You’re also at your most idealistic at the turn of the year, making ambitious New Year’s Resolutions even though you know you’ll fail in two weeks. I remember one year I said I’d be nicer to my family the next year. I failed so miserably that they sent me to boarding school.