Curling

Preston: A game of true beauty and grace. The gliding of the stones over the smooth, polished ice makes curling such a satisfying sport to watch. 

Molly: I thought this was the thing you do at the beach with the stick and the disk. 

Abby: Every time I watch curling I grow increasingly more confused as to how it works and why it exists. 

Catherine: How is this a sport and speed-snow-angel-making is not? I don’t have anything against curling, the target looks like a dart board on the ground (which would be much easier to hit), but I don’t understand the scoring.

Isabel: Curling is one of those sports that I’m convinced I could excel at with no practice or experience. It looks so skilless that I think I could wipe the floor (haha) with any Olympic curler. 

AJ: What I do at the gym. grunt.

Skeleton 

Preston: A thrilling and riveting sport to say the least. I can’t help but feel uneasy as I watch riders reach speeds of up to 80 mph with little to no protection.

Molly: An unnecessary form of sledding.  

Abby: Genuinely terrifying. 

Catherine: This is so epicly deadly it should be on Mario Kart. No other comments.

Isabel: I can’t think of a reason that this sport hasn’t been banned yet. Also is it really that impressive to make it to the Olympics in skeleton? How many professional skeleton sledders are even out there?

AJ: Bad bobsled.

Ski Jumping

Preston: I was always in awe with the ridiculous heights these ski jumpers would reach. However, that was before I learned they are actually never more than 10 to 15 feet above the ground while flying.  

Molly: This is the one sport I’ve always wanted to try. So if there are any spots open on Team USA Ski Jumping, please let me know. 

Abby: I have many talents, but ski jumping will never be one of them. Last time I attempted a terrain park at a ski resort, I fell right on my face. 

Catherine: Absolutely not. I’m not going to be watching this with my feet bolted to the floor, the only mask I’m wearing is one to cover my eyes.

Isabel: Ski jumping is horrifying and I am 100% certain it doesn’t really obey the laws of physics. 

AJ: Skis aren’t that high. How hard are they to jump over?

Snowboard/Freestyle Skiing

Preston: The moguls scattered across the freestyle skiing course remind me of that one Mario Kart Wii track, DK Summit. 

Molly: Snowboarding… that’s the sport Dove Cameron invented in “Cloud 9,” right? 

Abby: I’m aggressively against snowboarders. 

Catherine: Would this be a good space to ask if freestyle skiing looks anything like interpretive dance?

Isabel: I hate snowboarders. But also, flips!

AJ: These are two different sports; why are they in the same section?

Speed skating
Preston: A little too repetitive for my liking. Watching athletes skate over the same track eight times is something I will never watch. 

Molly: I haven’t seen this one so I don’t have any thoughts. 

Abby: Skating but make it fast!

Isabel: I like this sport but I personally think it would be a bit more interesting if they skated on a straight track rather than a round track. The Winter Olympic Committee should think about finding a frozen river or something. 

AJ: Less entertaining running. Preston actually makes a solid point for the first time in his life.

Catherine: Have some respect, AJ.

Biathlon

Preston: The combination of two very contradictory disciplines, skiing and shooting, definitely makes this sport the most challenging of them all. 

Molly: A very interesting combination. Like ketchup and cake, it can be delicious for some, but absolutely repulsive for others. 

Abby: I have no other words other than to ask Molly, who genuinely thinks that ketchup and cake is even remotely edible?

Catherine: Even though this sport combines two things I am not skilled at, skiing and shooting, I respect the athletes wearing sports jersey material in winter. Go team.

Isabel: What a stupid silly little idea. I love it. This sport requires well rounded athletes with precision, accuracy, endurance, and speed. IB program in sport form. 

AJ: Perfect for Maine Republicans.

Figure Skating

Preston: While it is certainly pleasing to the eye, I do not consider figure skating a sport. It reminds me more of a performance rather than an actual Olympic event. 

Molly:  I don’t understand how they don’t fall on their face.

Abby: *chefs kiss* 

Catherine: These people work so hard and they are magnificent. Figure skaters have stronger muscles than rugby players, and as someone who played rugby with high school she-demons, that means something.

Isabel: Figure skating is art in sport form. However, I can’t help but hold a little anger in my heart for the sport that brought about the demise of Tonya Harding. 

AJ: Why are they smiling all the time? They look like the Joker. I also take back my previous compliment of Preston. Is he not aware that gymnastics is also an Olympic event that focuses on performance?