12:53 PM

“David, can I have the map please?” My older brother Simeon asks me.

I’d like to think he never asked me anything.

They – meaning internet gurus or whatever – say that if you make yourself think you’re something, you’ll become the thing you think you are. Like, if you think you’re strong, you become strong, or if you think you’re smart, you’ll get smarter. So, theoretically, if I think of myself as confident, then responding to my brother’s request should be no biggie. 

I open my mouth to speak, but the van jolts up, making my lower teeth bounce on my upper. Now that my mouth isn’t open, I feel much more comfortable staying silent. Besides, opening my mouth might get the dust from this van into my nasal cavity, and that might make me sneeze on Roman. And also myself – but keeping Roman clean is more important.

“I don’t have it.” The other David – or just David, since everyone calls me by my last name – shrugs his shoulders, patting Simeon’s head. Well, I suppose my big brother would call me by my first name anyway; to him, I’m not background noise, like I am to everyone else. “You gave Winch the map, remember?” 

“Yes, who I refer to as David, because that’s his name.” Even though Simeon and David are the same age – just over sixteen-and-a-half – Simeon acts far more mature than David, and has the looks to prove it. His dark-autumn hair, combed finely and slicked back, gives his clear skin, light blue eyes, and shaven beard room to breathe. He wears a light grey sweater – which amplifies his thin form only a little – with a black and yellow school logo under his top left shoulder, and breezy, dark-blue running pants. His hiking shoes are tall and dark tan with orange outlines – the same as mine.

“Your brother’s first name is also David?” In comparison to Simeon, David looks goofy; his hair has blond streaks lazily plastered in, and a face with grime on the corner of his lips. He didn’t bother wearing any layers, merely dawning a baggy gym shirt with some corporate logo I don’t recognize, and green – yes, green – sweatpants which extend far past his ankles. All of that, only to hide his hefty muscles and make them appear as fat. Obviously, he’s not fat; my skinny self probably has more fat than he does.

“You didn’t know my brother’s first name is David?” But, regardless of how David looks, I have no right to criticize his worst features, especially when I wear this massive coat that stretches halfway down my quads, and huge sweatpants that make my legs look twice as thick as they actually are. My disheveled, uneven brown hair does little to hide the scar of acne running down my right cheek; I wasn’t blessed with the same light blue eyes as Simeon, either. I don’t remember what color my eyes are.

“Woah, woah! I think it’s a little weird to have two people named David, right?” David complains. “I don’t see why we can’t just refer to me as David and Winch as Winch. Like, what if you need my wrestling strength to lift something, but you accidentally call little Winch over there instead?”

I gulp down even more van dust. Well, David does bring up a good point; nobody would want me around if they needed to lift something heavy. “David, my brother isn’t ‘little Winch.’ His name is David, and I’ll call him that because he’s my brother who I spend more time with that.”

“Yeah, but we don’t-” David coughs mid-sentence; the dust isn’t affecting just me it seems. “We don’t spend half our day around your brother. It just makes, makes sense that- Look, why don’t we just ask him what he wants to be called?”

No, please don’t turn the conversation on me, I really don’t want to speak up. I don’t want to make myself sneeze all over the van. “David should be called by his first name. Would you like to be called by your last name, Lester?”

“Okay, but calling me Lester just sounds weird. Calling Winch Winch just sounds right.” I mean, yeah… it’s not like anyone besides my brother calls me David. I’d probably ignore people if they called me David, anyway. 

“Okay, but Lester, you have to-”

“Quit. It.” Roman, with a voice booming like a thunderbolt, silences everyone else in the van. And it’s not hard to see why. He stands a half-a-foot taller than the next tallest person: my brother. Despite being from the same sport as us – running – he doesn’t seem lanky or thin. No, he fills his frame perfectly, his tight white shirt with the school’s XC logo strapped over a thin yet powerful abdomen. His hair is disheveled, and the hairs of his beard stray a half-inch out in every direction. His sweatpants are thinner and baggier, concealing his powerful calves. I clench my throat, holding back any sudden noises that might attract his vicious gaze. He’s the only person besides myself who’s looking at the ground, as opposed to chatting jubilantly with the others. And that makes sense. Talking to others makes both of us disturbed; me because I’m too timid, but Roman because he makes everyone else timid.

“Roman, what’s going on back there?” Preston – the driver – yells from the front. 

“David’s being an dumbass again. Simeon is… I dunno.” David doesn’t even bother snapping  back. He’d happily snap back if anyone else insulted him – mostly because anyone else would be fooling around – but David would be a fool to poke the bear. Jesus, I’m so close to sneezing already… I have to hold it back, sneezing on Roman would be devastating.

“Guys, this is a fun hiking trip. To have fun. Not mock one another,” says Preston. Dear god, I hope he’s staring at the road right now; I don’t want him veering into the opposite lane.

“Didn’t we go out here because David got rejected by a girl for, and I quote, ‘not touching enough grass’?” Simeon asks; Roman laughs, but I guard my chuckle. I don’t want to stain any of Roman’s clothes, or worse.

“Hey- no! No, that’s not what that- I wasn’t, um- forget it. Look, you’re all hearing it wrong. I wasn’t rejected for being, uh… wait, no no, I wasn’t rejected. I was dumped.” 

“David, that’s not better,” says Simeon. But at least having a girlfriend to begin with is an achievement. I would say that… if I could actually speak. But I’m content just sitting here with my mouth locked. If people look down on me enough to use my last name, then why would they think I’m funny? They’d just think I’m mean if I tried teasing anyone.

“Hey, maybe I don’t have a girlfriend right now, but at least I’ll have a fourth soon. How many girls do you have, huh?”

“That is way more disgusting than you realize. David – not you David, you David,” Simeon says, pointing at me. “Can I have the map? There’s apparently going to be fog in the area we’re going too; I want to try and have the trail memorized before we attempt anything stupid..”

I nod my head, passing the map off to Simeon. Makes sense; since Simeon’s the one that’s great with school stuff, he’s obviously better at memorizing than I am. I pass the map to Simeon, reaching down for support with one hand and passing the map off to my older brother with the other. But in that brief moment, the van hits a pothole. The dust leaps off the ground, into my nose – and in that moment, I can’t resist the urge to sneeze. A blizzard of snot blasts onto the floor – and a bit of Roman’s left shin.

Welp. I’m screwed. “Winch!” Roman yells. “What is wrong with you? Could you not have turned your head?”

“My bad, Roman,” says Simeon. “He was giving me the map.”

“Doesn’t excuse how he could have turned his head,” complains Roman.

“Ooh! We got a big one! Nice sneeze, Winch!” David giggles, which Roman quickly silences with a harsh glare. How did I mess up that bad? In that moment, I forgot to turn my head; it would’ve been so easy to avoid this catastrophe, but now, I’m an absolute fool. Simeon gives me a pack of tissues – which I immediately use to clean up Roman’s leg. 

“Get off!” Roman demands, snatching the packet of tissues. “You’re just smearing your snot all over me now?”

I can’t apologize, I’m too weak. My throat croaks in a failed attempt at an apology, so I just go back to hanging my own head below my shoulders. Simeon shows me his empty bag; I’m guessing that means he doesn’t have another pack of tissues to lend me. So Roman has the only tissues remaining. You know what? I can do this! I will ask to borrow Roman’s tissues! Because, I’m strong, smart, and confident!

“Hey…” Well that was a disaster. It doesn’t take much to remind me of how weak my voice is. My voice sounds more like a toddler’s than anyone else here. As the snot drips off my nose and onto my lip, I’m powerless to ask for a simple box of tissues. 

“Do we need to stop on the side of the road or something?” Asks Preston. “Just sound like someone blew open the back of the van with a dad-sneeze of a lifetime.”

“No, keep going, David just had an accident. My brother David, I mean.” Well that just makes it sound like I pissed myself! But how can I blame my brother, he’s probably looked down on me like a little kid for so long. “We just need to get past that David-David drama. I know what we can talk about! Hey, Roman, have any solo track meets coming up by any chance?”

“No.” A single word obliterate’s Simeon’s talkative hopes. Some cardboard knocks against my inner left thigh; seems that Roman threw me back the pack of tissues. Well, I hope he won’t scold me for cleaning myself up.

“Okay…” says Simeon. “Lester, what about you? Have any wrestling meets any time soon?”

“Oh, you mean me,” says Lester- I mean David. Yeah, he’s David, and I’m Lester. No, I’m Winch. I’m Winch. “Just, it’s just states. Aiming for first, we’ll see how it goes.”

“First? In the whole state?” Simeon asks, astounded. “Sounds hard!”

But David doesn’t show a shard of nervousness; instead, he gleams, self-absorbed in his ability to do something seemingly impossible. Well, at least he’s confident in himself. That’s so good for him. “Not if you’re me.”

“Yeah, David’s among the top wrestlers in the state, so him winning is possible,” says Preston. 

“What about you, Preston?” Asks Simeon. “Do you have any lacrosse games coming up?”

“No, lacrosse season hasn’t started yet. But the math competition stuff is going so well, that I’ll probably drop lacrosse altogether.” 

Roman snuffs, while Simeon asks, “Why? I thought you did well last season.”

“Yeah… except it’s not that comfortable. I’d rather just stick to the math competitions; colleges like that, I think. How about you, Simeon?“ Man, why is it so easy for others to just.. talk? I don’t like how easy it is for others to just settle into conversation. Because when I try to do it… everything just turns awkward.

“I’m finalizing out a scholarship deal that I’m getting for an insane school. I might be able to sort out all the college stress before it even starts.”

“But what school?” Asks Preston. 

“It’s so prestigious that I’m not allowed to say,” says Simeon.

“Nah, I’m betting it’s some small school in the middle of nowhere,” says David “That’s why he’s not telling us where the scholarship’s from.”

“How’d you get a scholarship to somewhere as prestigious as you claim, anyway?” Asks Preston. “You aren’t a math nut like me or super sporty like Roman or David.”

“I have an internship at city hall, remember? That’s actually how- well, I can’t really say more than that. Anyways, David, what are you up to?”

“You just- oh, right,” says David. Only when everyone turns their attention to me do I realize that my brother’s referring to me.  He’s asking me to speak up. Hasn’t he spent the last sixteen years of his life watching me trying and failing to do basic conversation skills?

“Well…” I gulp at the sound – or lack thereof – of my own voice. My fingers twitch, thumping the seat in hopes that I’ll drag something interesting up from my memory. As Roman said, I don’t have any track meets, and I’m not some super-star wrestler like David. Not that I’d ever do wrestling, I’m not nearly strong enough. My grades all suck, my midterms for English and Physics went horribly wrong… no wonder that not a single college has reached out to me yet. So what do I have going on? “Depression?”

My voice squeaks, my throat clenching itself over the stupidity of what I’ve just said. David starts snickering, and my brother tells him off. Roman just sighs, disappointed with my lack of, well, everything. Preston’s silently mocking me in the front, I’m sure. But oh well. After all, people are the sum of their failures, and it just so happens I have a ton.

Maybe the hike will offer something up. Maybe hiking will make me interesting and liked.

Read more of The Nightlock here