Note: Beating a Dead Horse is a regular satire column from Lasso authors. All names and likenesses are fictional. The Lasso Editorial Board and FCCPS do not espouse or endorse opinions expressed in these columns. Enjoy!

Recently, there have been proposals to issue firearms to 20 percent of the teachers at every school in America. I find this ridiculous. We need to issue guns to every child in America. How else are kids going to know how to defend themselves during an attack?

The only way to stop the spread of gun violence is to flood our schools with high powered rifles. Kids nowadays are going to get their hands on a gun if they want one. A kid can easily ask their older sibling or family member to buy a gun for them, so we might as well issue them out like we already do with our nice computers.

I don’t think formal training should be required either. Let kids be kids; children will go out and scrape their knees, get into shenanigans, and maybe be involved in the occasional gunfight. The least we can do is provide them with fun resources for their schoolyard playtime.

I remember when I got my first gun. I was five years old, and my dad gave me an AR-15. The gun was almost as tall as me. I immediately went outside and sprayed bullets into the air in rejoicement. No one got hurt, and nothing came of it. Well, a bullet did fly through the window breaking the glass, but my parents just shook their heads and laughed. My dad chuckled and ruffled my hair. He did, however, tell me not to point the gun directly at the house because he didn’t want to replace any more windows. Shouldn’t every child have the freedom to be this happy?

Say the North Koreans launched a full-scale attack against the United States tomorrow. If my plan went into effect, we’d have all kids over the age of six locked and loaded, ready to defend their country. I guarantee the North Koreans don’t have kids of all ages serving in their military, so it’s safe to say we’d have the upper hand.

Now, let’s think of the wild bears in America. These bears have been terrorizing man for far too long, and I’m tired of it. It wasn’t even a week ago that my cousin got snatched up by one of those predators. He was just 16 years old. If he had been issued a firearm by his public school, then we would have been eating bear for dinner, not the other way around. We need to protect our future generations from these beasts.

I’m a reasonable guy. I’m aware that times have changed since I was younger. Kids can’t just walk around with these high powered rifles; they’re far too heavy for a young boy or girl to carry. We need to instead have a system where the power and weight of the firearm will vary based on age. Elementary schoolers get handguns. They’re light, easy to use, and comfortable in a small hand. Semi-automatic rifles will be distributed to middle schoolers. These are a bit more advanced as the children have matured enough to handle a larger, more powerful weapon. By the time they reach high school, they’ll be toting high powered automatic rifles. This is the way our founding fathers wanted it. If we want to raise little George Washingtons and Benjamin Franklins, then our young ones need to exercise their right to bear arms.